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If you could put me in a time machine and awake me on January 2, I ‘d go for it.

I hate this time of year. Here’s the the dirty half dozen:

6. Having to remember to say “The Holidays” and not “Christmas.” Not what you think. I WANT to be sensitive to my non Christian friends and I don’t think it is fair that everything is Christian-centric–but I stutter every time I go to refer to the time of the year and it pisses me off.

5. Grab bags, Secret Santas and Office Parties– I don’t want a gift under $10. I don’t want to shop for one and I don’t want to sip egg nog at lunch during work. Please stop.

Shut Up! And why are you wearing a dress?

4. Not being able to get toilet paper— Or milk or a bag of socks or Vaseline or corn pads or anything else because department stores are filled with mouth breathers buying toys and those lame tie-comes-with-the-shirt packages for $12.99.

3. People Who Love this Time of the Year— You know who I’m talking about. they decorate their car, they wear Chris–er, I mean, Holiday sweaters and ties, they light yule log Yankee Candles and they take big self-satisfied exhales about how great life is this time of the year. Hey, I got your yule log, right here.

2. News Updates on Retail Figures— Hey, things are so bad that Americans can go on unemployment for 12 years, you can sleep in a park and you don’t have to worry about that $600,000 mortgage you got with your $18k salary but you can charge the equivalent of Guyana’s GNP on your Visa so your obese kids can play fake bowling as exercise in front of the TV without lifting a bowling ball.

1. Andy FF’in Williams— “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!” No it isn’t. It sucks and so do you Williams.  I’m tired of your lame-ass sweater collection, your bullshit one-hit Moon River and your damn Chistmas–er, I mean Holiday specials.

For other things I hate (and there’s no shortage) visit my “don’t be THAT guy posts.”