I got in the ring Saturday and did three rounds. I was feeling kind of ambivalent about going but I’ve learned to push myself to do stuff that feels better once I do it.
Me and a buddy did three rounds. Like all sparring sessions there’s something inside of me that says “Why are you doing this?”
Let’s be honest, I think that something is called fear.
The sparring starts and things happen in there so fast that there is no longer time for thinking and not much for feeling.
I did okay, tired faster than I wanted to, but that’s all right.
Since Saturday I’ve felt a little more alive. Sore and tired, but somehow sharper and more positive.
I think it has something to do with taking some risk, feeling it and going ahead any way.
I just got done writing in my current work-in-progress novel. I’m getting to the end and writing the action scenes. I’m filled with so much uncertainty that I find myself trying to procrastinate. Yesterday I rationalized doing housework and shopping and didn’t write till late in the day. Then I couldn’t concentrate.
This morning I wrote first thing. The whole time I wanted to do something else. I pushed hard against it and got today’s 1,000 words.
I feel sort of like I did on Saturday. Positive, a little more energy and a little more confident.
I’ve studied how I feel about doing certain things and I’ve learned that fighting and writing both make me feel alive. They both take losing myself in activity, they both mean pushing through insecurity and they both involve a risk of failure.
Funny thing is when I “fail”, whatever that is, I rarely feel bad. Trying and getting lost in the activity seems to be what counts.
I’m curious how others feel.
What do you get similar feelings from?
What makes you feel alive?