I’ve sat on a lot of bar stools and heard a lot of drink orders. I also have a masters degree in psychology and have analyzed the meaning of drinks and the people who ask for them.

Here are my findings:

(Please note the term “guy” here refers to both sexes. It is a function of the  2010 colloquialism “That Guy.”

The guy who orders a Bud

A big fan of televised sports. Not what you would call adventuresome. Not much of an independent thinker. Probably lived with Mom and Dad until the age of 38 or still. Other hobbies include watching more television.

The guy who orders a Stella Artois

A pretentious pain in the ass of a person. Undoubtedly is wearing a shirt with a small animal over the breast. The type who wears loafers and no socks. Starts conversations about “the market” and uses words  like “trending” and makes sure everyone knows that he went to “the city’ last week and he ate at (fill in fancy new restaurant) and didn’t think it was that good.

The guy who orders a Kamikaze, Long Island Ice tea or similar drink.

Somehow this individual’s development was stunted around the age of 17. Prefers to use the word “wasted” as often as possible. Starts every sentence, and I mean every sentence, with the word “Dude.”

The guy who orders a Yaegermeister

Combined SAT scores for this guy fails to make triple figures. Has difficulty conceptualizing masculinity and is confused about life post his 7 years as an undergraduate. Is wearing a big untucked collared shirt of an obnoxious color and bold striping folded meticulously at the forearm. He is wearing “driving shoes.”

The guy who orders Michelob Ultra or Miller 63

An overweight compulsive dieter who talks about nothing but carbs while the stress on his belt is equivalent to that at a Tiger  and Elin Valentine’s Day date. Later that evening he will turn into the guy ordering mozzarella sticks and tater skins but tells the bartender to go easy on the salt.

The guy who asks for double bocked autumn wheat IPA small batch

Don’t sit by this tedious bastard. This guy believes his status in life revolves around the fact that he chooses to drink a draft beer that costs more than his mortage payment out of a specially honed glass to accentuate the aroma. He also owns one of the following: a $5,000 bike, the complete Star Trek box set, as collection of baseball cards or model trains. This guy will drone on while you give him every possible nonverbal that you’re not listening about hops, barley and the other shit that goes into beer.

The guy who orders Grey Goose, Stoli, Knob Creek or other ‘Top shelf”

This insecure jerkoff used to be the Stella Artois guy but somehow he became more insecure and alcholic. He orders the drink like he’s calling stops on the subway making sure everyone knows that his drink costs a dollar fifty more than everyone else’s. He went to law school, got an MBA or owns his own white collar business that is failing miserably while he insists on having his Lexus detailed every third day. He sprayed a Ralph Lauren product on himself that morning like he was Febreezing a kennel.

The guy who orders Schlitz

Dashingly handsome, gifted and charming, this guy is loved by everyone.