Some things you can only do in college and in college bars. You get four years–all right you get five maybe six years–or the average time it takes to complete a four year degree.
After that period of time you can’t:
1. Do shots of things called Kamikazis, Sex on the Beach or anything with the same flavor of a pastry. No cinnamon, mint, strawberry or banana shots. If you’re going to do shots of alcohol, do it quietly, perhaps as some sort of bonding ritual by clinking glases or saluting. Don’t sing your Frat anthem, school fight song or something cute by Billy Joel.
2. Play air guitar, do that weird Grateful Dead dance, sway like Axl Rose or pump your fist like Springsteen doing “Born In the USA.” By the way it looked stupid in college too.
3. I’m proud of your tattoos and happy for you but unless they are in a spot that can be seen in a normal social I don’t want to see them. Don’t lift up your shirt or pull down your pants to show me that really cool tribal thing.
4. Scream at the TV. I know the Red Sox are losing. I know you can’t believe Youk struck out or Papplebon blew the save. I know the Giants aren’t going to cover the spread. If you want to yell get a TV in your basement.
5. Play drinking games. No Quarters, Beer Pong or any other really cool wacky thing you learned about Freshmen year.
6. Brag about how wasted you are or were last night. You didn’t complete a triathalon–you drank too much. It’s not an honor, it gives you no rank and alcoholism isn’t really all that cool.
7. Harass the waitress. Okay, you think she’s hot and maybe she’s returned a flirt or two. That’s it. Don’t drape yourself on her, stalk her all night or embarrass her in front of her co-workers. She has to be nice to you.
8. Quote movie lines. I liked Animal House and Caddy Shack and I’m sure Hangover was really funny but please don’t do recreations from movies or recite lines and think it’s impressive.
9. Take a leak in the parking lot. The world is not your urinal and being drunk doesn’t give you permission.
10. Throw up. After college drinking to the point of vomiting isn’t called partying any more. it is called chemical dependence and you need to go to detox.