I was on vacation in Venice l for a week.

Why Venice? I sponge off my sister who has a home there.

What makes Venice unique? It has the second oldest population in the US. Your grandparents go to Sarasota to retire. Their grandparents go to Venice.

What else is Venice famous for?

All four 911 terrorist pilots got trained at the Venice airport.

Yeah, I know, creepy.

While there I went to a couple of tourist bars. Now, I like bars, you know that already. Are tourist bars, bars?

I mean, I like bars for the atmosphere, the regulars and the food and drink unique to that specific place.

A tourist bar has transients, forced atmosphere and predictable food.

You have to wait in a serving line for a drink. They asked me for ID and I’m 48. Okay, not impressed? They asked to see my mom’s who is 87.

I’m not kidding.

They give you those things that hum and flash when you can eat. I hate those things. Why don’t they just stick a ring in my nose, hang a chain on it and lead me to the trough.

I’ve heard just enough Jimmy Buffet and Beach Boys’ songs. I’ve drank enough Corona.

Tonight, I’m going back to The Orchard. It doesn’t overlook the Gulf of Mexico. It overlooks a cookie factory, a place with junk cars and a parking lot. I’ll be drinking draft and listening to the same conversations I’ve listened to for the last 30 years. There will be no music. I’ll eat one of the pizzas they’ve been making for 100 years. The bartender will insult me.

Nothing will buzz to tell me it’s time to eat. The employees won’t be wearing floral shirts. The beers won’t be $9.50.

The air will have that sicky sweet smell if they’re making the red goo that goes in the middle of the sugar cookies. I hate that smell.

The Yankees will be on the TV.

There’s something about watching the sunset over the cookie factory silos.

Ahh…to be home.