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One of my biggest frustrations is waiting for my favorite bar stool to open.

People, many of you don’t know the rules about sitting at a bar. I’m gonna do you a favor and spell it out for you.

1. I know you’re waiting for your table but if you’re sitting at the bar you gotta have a drink in front of you. It’s not a bus stop.

2. You have to drink the drink.

3. I know you love your kids but the bar is for grown ups. They can’t sit there. If you’re waiting for a table they still can’t sit there. Go stand in line and use birth control.

4. If a seat opens up it goes to whoever was waiting the longest not who happened to be there hovering.

5. It sucks but you gotta give your seat up for older women. Older men are iffy but if there’s a device used to support walking upright then he gets the chair.

6. You don’t have to give up your seat to young healthy women. This is a bar. Women didn’t used to be allowed in them. Now they are and are seen as equals. (Not sure which part of that sentence I will have to apologize for. Jen Forbus will undoubtedly let me know.)

7. If you have a seat you have to sit in it. Don’t be the deuche that has a seat and stands next to it letting everyone know you’re power and status and how you are wlelding it over the four legged piece of furniture.

8. You can’t save a seat in a crowded bar. I don’t car if its your old college buddy, your long lost step brother or a member of the clergy. You can’t.

9. If a regular has a usual spot and there’s more than one available stool, you can’t take the regular’s. You haven’t earned that stool. Respect rank.

10. If you’ve stopped drinking you have to forfeit the stool. This applies even if your talking. You don’t get to stay even if you drank a lot or spent a lot of money. There is only present tense with bar stool position. No one is fooled by leaving a sip in the bottom of the glass. It’s time. Get out.