A lot of the trouble I have in bars has to do with youth.
You get the six years that it takes you to complete your bachelors degree and i think you get another 18 months after to act like a jackass. Somewhere around 27 you’ve got to knock it off.
When I say knock it off I mean that when you start to do certain things someone should be able to ask for your ID and then declare that you’re simply too old to be acting like a douche.
Here are those things:
1. Drinking shots: You can order a liquor “neat” meaning straight up and you can even drink it in a hurry. You can’t make a big production of it, sing your frat fight song and then give each other High 5’s for doing it. Doing a shot is not an achievement.
2. Playing Drinking Games: Sit down order a drink and then drink it. Don’t bounce a quarter into a cup or do something cute with a ping pong ball just drink.
3. Singing: Hey, it was fun at that college bar when you and all your frat mates got together and sang Sweet Caroline/Freebird/Shout but it’s not fun any more…at least not here.
4. Getting Into Bar Fights: That 60 year old dude probably did look at your woman or he forgot to take his Flomax and he’s scouting out the bathroom. Either way the resolution of his affront is not kicking his ass.
5. Making Out: After 27 it’s not called making out. It’s also not for in the bar. Hey, Romeo I’m happy for your romantic good fortune but not it is time to be a big boy and invite her to your place …or mom’s basement or wherever you go.
6. Hitting on the Waitress: They hear all day long and it’s not cute or flattering until you’re over 60 and then the jury is out.
Okay, my 27 plus friends, got it? It’s time.
This week after handing your laundry off to mom take time to look at yourself in the rear view mirror of the car you borrowed from dad and just before you text your frat buddies think: is it time to grow up?