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Now people, we’ve talked about this and many of you are still not getting it.

There are things you just don’t do in the inner sanctum of the barroom. (BTW–By barroom I mean real bars where perky 21 year-old servers don’t welcome you with a “Hi guys!” and there are no deep fried things that have the word “Bloomin'” in them.)

I’m gonna list ’em here and I want you to study them because if you sit next to me and violate one of these it just might get ugly.

1. Having your young child sit at the bar with you–It’s not cute.  This applies to your kid, by the way, even if you think your kid is way cool. He isn’t. Your kid sucks like all kids and keep him away from the bar.

2. Talking on your cell phone— Hey douche, we all can hear you. Go outside and make a call.

3. Standing in the waitress area.- Notice how there’s always that one spot free at the bar? It’s not for you. You don’t get lucky every week of your life and they’re not saving it for you. It’s called the waitress station and they all  hate you.

4. Talking to busy bartenders— Notice how the bartenders are running around mopping sweat off their brows, lifting cases, pouring beers and hauling ice? They’re busy. When you say “Hey, Ernie, do you think Chaz Bono got ripped off on Dancing With the Stars?” and you don’t get an answer you should realize your deucheyness.

5. Asking what they have on tap in front of the taps– They they are and they are not hiding another tap in the kitchen.

6. Not being able to decide what to drink– Look, this isn’t the LSATs–it’s a drink. Order one. Shut up.

7. Don’t steal a seat–The open bar stool goes to whose ever been waiting for it the longest–not who happens to be hovering in front of it.

8. Sitting and not drinking-– If you’re done, get out. Everyone hates you for being there and taking up space.

9.  Yelling for the bartender–Think the service was slow when you got here? Wait… and wait and wait….

10. Asking for the remote– The bartenders control the remote. You can make suggestions and they can be ignored. You can not cross into the decision-making dimension. You could choose soccer