My wife and I don’t have kids.

I’m glad if you got ’em–if that’s what you wanted.

You and your kids suck

Do me a favor–don’t bring ’em to dinner at nice restaurants. I know you and the wife need a break but it’s not fair to the rest of us. You gotta pay a sitter unless your kid is really well behaved.

I got news for you, your kid isn’t it.

You won’t enjoy it even if you pretend to. Get takeout or order a pizza.

You ‘re not in the nice restaurant club any more. You’re in a lot of clubs I’m not in now.

Chili’s, Fridays, Applebees–they’re for you now. You made the choice, not me.

Get a sitter or wait 18 years.

My basset hound can’t come. Your 3 year-old shouldn’t be allowed either.

Don’t be that guy.